Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize