i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
