i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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