I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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