I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
