I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
