I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He? As in you personified your dick?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
