I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
