She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
cat food counts as protein by the way
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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