he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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