everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my sisters under your porch take her home
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
