fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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