Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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