i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
