So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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