if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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