Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
