My friends, they love my intelligence
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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