I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
