If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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