I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
