please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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