You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
