u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
