Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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