There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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