and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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