you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
