matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
