Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you inspire me to be a worse person
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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