Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's shark week go big or go home
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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