I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
