I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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