I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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