So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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