I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
