we have pet lesbian snakes
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
