and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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