I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
