"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
