Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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