Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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