I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
