Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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