I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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