Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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