ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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