So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
