I faked an abortion last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
