his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
